Isolation Diaries; Holly

Holly Blackmore

A collection of assorted journal entries and sketchbook scans from April 2020.

An insight into my mind and journey during the intensity of isolation.

1 april

The rain is pouring so fast/hard it feels impossible to sleep. As though the whole Earth is being cleansed. Sounds like a tempestuous tsunami. Purification of the mind and soul. I let myself sit awake, write and download these new understandings. It is 3:44am. Sky is grey and purple. Skin gets hot under the sheets. The warm wetness of it all. Like flushing a bug from the inside out.

I dance under the dim light and caress myself with no direction. The sky and sea are so big; man so small. There is hardly enough food to go around, but I treat myself to what I have like a king. My body is now mine again. And it sounds as though the rain has cleared.

7 april (full moon)

This is a new lunar spell, a new time to inhale starlight, exhale smoke. Sing it loud to the trees. Dance around in your lingerie. Get a few fingers up there. Talking to more strangers than I ever have before, even when I don’t feel like I’m making a direct effort. Energy is everything. The moon is so big and white and pale like a ceramic plate that might shatter through wet fingers. I am morphing connections and over-full eyes and spilled cacao on the kitchen counter. He loves me so endlessly that we accept this new platonic state of affairs. He carries my heart in his heart. There is time-space for everything.

date unknown

A synchronicity? A couple of weeks ago, I wrote a midnight journal entry at 3:44am — the rain woke me up. Last night the wind woke me up, checked my phone and it was 3:44am again.

15 april

I think about the very middle of the ocean, where the currents are so large they can’t even be discerned, moving steadily through the expanse like invisible giants. I think about my body floating six feet beneath the surface out there, surrounded by nothing but silent blue, a gradient which deepens into darkness below my feet. I think about how peaceful it all is.

18 april

Waves so large that I find myself much deeper than the height I embody. New swells. The ocean is always a powerful teacher. Waiting for gaps in the set to dolphin-dive my way out, and after floating around for a several slow minutes, waiting for another lull to scramble back in. Dragged steadily north along the length of the beach. The mighty big blue. Each wave a six-to-ten foot high mass that ambles beneath me. Crashing into the sand-bar with a previously unseen ferocity. Churning white wash. You watch the current curl around sun-spotted legs, dragging them back out with the wave.

19 april

I pray that people find beauty in stillness and comprehend how it is possible to look at every blade of grass in wonder.

I pray that Mother Earth is never subjected to the same mistreatment now that the reset button has been hit.

The world watches on as my eyes turn down. Saw them both tonight; avoided just as many. Three black pens on my bedspread and I am falling for you again. It tastes like undercooked hash browns and smells like Aerogard on wrists and ankles. Each time I walk I have the near overwhelming urge to cry but when I sit down to try, nothing comes out. A man sat in his car with both front doors open, playing ‘Lonely Blue’ loud enough for the whole street to hear. When I returned five minutes later, there was no trace of him.

Ego sees what ego does, and falls back in on itself.

I couldn’t see your eyes, they were up inside.

22 april

Flow means an easy and inherently joyful state of being. Nothing is rushed but everything gets done. It means not feeling excessive pressure to be anywhere or do anything. It means following your intuition — minute by minute, second by second. Watching people/experiences fall in and out of your life as they’re supposed to.

23 april (new moon)

It feels warm and right and like my whole reality is effortless. It feels like morning cuddles with myself in bed, and running in laughter down the bush trail. It feels like sunset looks.

I am everything I need. The world is ours for the taking. Before each action ask:

Am I doing this out of love or fear?